Today I didn't touch the tripod or the good camera. My outfit consisted of hand-me-down sweats and stripey socks. Visually speaking, all I can offer is a couple of substandard selfies.
I try not to talk about my mental illness on here. It comes up every so often, but for the most part I draw material from other areas of my life. I don't want to be perceived as whining, especially since my situation is comparatively privileged. I don't want advice or pity. I would rather not be a Debbie Downer.
Luckily, at this point in my life, I have more going on than just my craziness, so usually it is not difficult to steer clear of the topic. However, there are still some days when my malfunctioning mind is all that I am. No amount of medication or therapy can amount to a true cure, or at least it hasn't happened yet. My mood fluctuates.
Today was really hard. I barely did anything. I'm so scared about having a relationship again, about possibly going back to school, and about my job. Historically, I have not been good at handling expectations or responsibilities, regardless of whether the pressure came from without or within. I am terrified that I am going to mess everything up. My intuitive response is to shut down and withdraw, which ironically makes implosion more likely.
I feel out of control. I hate that itchy sense of disorganization and of the imminent unknown.
Like I said, I don't want advice or pity. That makes it tricky to respond, right? Well, I'm sorry. As much as I wish I could fake a cheerful entry, the words won't come out. I've been told that authenticity has some inherent value; hopefully you agree.
~wraps you up in a warm hug~
ReplyDeleteyou always say the right thing! ~snuggles~
DeleteNo advice or pity from me! Just wanted to say I hope tomorrow is a little bit brighter!
ReplyDeleteThank you, Jamie! Encouragement is welcome!
DeleteYou are so sweet <3
ReplyDeleteI can relate.
ReplyDeleteI hope you feel better!
Thank you dear! <3
DeleteThere's always tomorrow, right? And it may be surprisingly better!
ReplyDeleteI'm a lot cheerier now! Like I said, it fluctuates. Thanks Marie!
DeleteKeep on swimming, Sonya! :-) That's what I tell myself whenever the panic and anxiety over my thesis becomes so crippling that I start thinking some very unwelcome thoughts indeed. Silly, perhaps, but we can't help what we feel. Hope things look up soon, and in the meantime, allow yourself to enjoy your relationship, and the prospect of going back to school. As you say, you can only really mess things up by not doing them - just like I can only really screw up my thesis/future by succumbing to the fear and not writing it!
ReplyDeleteWhat works for me when anxiety hits: make cup of tea, put on cuddly sweater, sit down with warm tea in hands, close eyes and think about how exciting [whatever] is. When the other Sonya/Syl tries to butt in and rain on your parade, politely tell her that she's entitled to her opinion, but that right now she needs to fuck off, and go back to thinking about the exciting and hopeful stuff. Repeat as necessary until that strangled feeling in your chest/throat subsides and you actually start to see your way clear to the glimmers of excitement. Keep sipping tea. It doesn't cure the affliction, but it helps me get through the worst attacks! :-D
Forgot to say: you don't have to take the advice, or respond to that part. I just thought I'd leave it there in case it helped anyone ;-)
DeleteJust keep swimming, like Dory from Finding Nemo! I think this falls under "encouragement" rather than "advice", and I appreciate it <3 Thank you, Syl!
DeleteYou're not alone in feeling that way. I tend to get worked up over new situations and always have to stop and tell myself to just go with the flow. Hope you are feeling better! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you, dear! Swimming along ~ I do feel a lot better today.
DeleteI'm sorry to hear(or read I guess) that it's going rough, it sounds like you have quite a bit going on right now and that can be hard even without mental illness.(I know you'vE talked a little bit about it and I think that's very admirable and brave of you. I dealt with drepression when I was your age and I refused to talk about it to anyone and that was about the stupidest thing ever.). I hope everything evens out a little for you. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Katie! It means a lot, really <3
DeleteI'm here if you ever need anything (you know as much as someone in a different country can be). I won't say I know or understand how you feel, because I'm not in your head. I have been through similar problems before though, and if you ever need to rant at someone I'm here.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Kat <3
DeleteThinking of you. Hope you feel better.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Aunt Marilyn!
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