Tuesday, March 4, 2014
The Week Begins Disappointingly
Today I didn't touch the tripod or the good camera. My outfit consisted of hand-me-down sweats and stripey socks. Visually speaking, all I can offer is a couple of substandard selfies.
I try not to talk about my mental illness on here. It comes up every so often, but for the most part I draw material from other areas of my life. I don't want to be perceived as whining, especially since my situation is comparatively privileged. I don't want advice or pity. I would rather not be a Debbie Downer.
Luckily, at this point in my life, I have more going on than just my craziness, so usually it is not difficult to steer clear of the topic. However, there are still some days when my malfunctioning mind is all that I am. No amount of medication or therapy can amount to a true cure, or at least it hasn't happened yet. My mood fluctuates.
Today was really hard. I barely did anything. I'm so scared about having a relationship again, about possibly going back to school, and about my job. Historically, I have not been good at handling expectations or responsibilities, regardless of whether the pressure came from without or within. I am terrified that I am going to mess everything up. My intuitive response is to shut down and withdraw, which ironically makes implosion more likely.
I feel out of control. I hate that itchy sense of disorganization and of the imminent unknown.
Like I said, I don't want advice or pity. That makes it tricky to respond, right? Well, I'm sorry. As much as I wish I could fake a cheerful entry, the words won't come out. I've been told that authenticity has some inherent value; hopefully you agree.